puppy posted a condolence
Friday, December 30, 2022
Nana, its been almost 2 years. This is the first time i have had the guts to look at this. I miss you so much. I miss sitting watching Ellen with you while you made blankets. I miss taking the groceries in for you. I miss hearing you complain about the cold.I have been struggling to accept I cant call you. Ive been struggling at the attempt to start to accept that youre actually gone. Ive tried to be strong for the rest of the family but i would be lying if i said im okay. I am nowhere close to even begin to say the phrase "im fine" I still text your number and expect a response. When i drive past the apartments where you used to live, i fight a urge that i cant put into words to pull into the complex and walk to the door where you used to live. Because i struggle to believe that you are gone and part of me believes that i just go to where you used to be then... you will still be there.Youll still be there and i will knock. Ill knock on the door and you will open it. Id come in and you would walk back to the dining room table and i would close the door. As you sit down at the table you pick up a puzzle piece and ask me how im doing. I believe that after i show up and knock that you will let me in and i will walk to that table and stand directly next to your chair and put my arm around you to give you a hug and i will say... as i always did "i cant believe you have the patience to do a 3000 piece puzzle."
I remember when i learned what those black mats where that you would set your puzzle on.You told me it was so you can easily put your puzzle away without messing it up. I miss going to your house after school. I miss you so much and its killing me. Nana im not okay at all.... im hurting so much without you and i dont know where to go because i feel so lost without you here but i have to keep going for those around me. And im so sorry nana. I am so sorry that i didnt talk to you for .... what was it? a year and a half? I am so sorry and i wish i could go back in time and fix it and just apologize for hurting you. Youll never meet my boys and i wanted them to meet you so bad. I was excited for when you make them their first blanket. Or when they ask you to make them an american flag blanket that was so tremendously big that it covered an entire house. I loved that blanket. I cant put into words how much i hate how we left things. and how much i hate myself for it. I love you so much and all i want is to be able to see you again and tell you that. I wish you were still here so we could go see a movie again. My boys will know you. They will know that you see them. They will know who you were... how loving you are. I will never be okay without you here. i love you. i miss you.
-puppy
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